Alexa
i'm 15. my friends usually always come to me for advice. i'd rather listen to their problems then talk to anyone about mine. so this is where all my venting goes. from family, friends, to boyfriend, its all in here.
its just so frustrating no one else is really going to know what happened. no one else is going to know how big of an ass he is. how big of a pot head he is, how big of a cheating, lying boyfriend he was.
all these girls think he is so amazing, cause he's funny, and cute. exactly what i thought. a year ago. before i was his "idiot girlfriend" before he lied to me before he quit caring about me before is turned into a pot head before he ignored me before he avioded me.
"who else did you expect me to deal with a stupid fuck like you?" excuse me? who was the one who called me back that night crying their eyes out, completely hysterical, begging me to go back to them? that was justin. who was the one who kept saying how beautiful i was, and how much they loved me? justin again.
who was the one who threw away the one person who ever honestly cared about him? justin again. whos the stupid fuck now?
the hard part is going to be watching his life go to hell. his house will be taken away. hes gonna have to live with his dad. hes gonna have to switch schools. hes gonna drop out. and be a pot head for the rest of his fucking life.
and he sees no problem with that. that is the only thing that is so frustrating. i wish he wasnt such a fucking idiot.
I never really understood how hard it was to break up with someone until now. I mean, when I was little I didn't see why my older sister had such a hard time with it. But now I do.
Justin is killing me. I have literally gotten myself sick over him. I have stopped eating as much. I am pale as a ghost. Even my teachers say they are worried because I look like I have been losing so much weight. I cannot deal with everything. He keeps saying that he loves me. I know it's not completely true but I convince myself it is. But today REALLY got me thinking. Justin hates talking to me outside of school. He doesnt see me outside of school. It's like he doesn't want a girlfriend unless there is someone to show me off too. He doesn't want to deal with me. So I asked him why. He said "You keep saying you need someone to talk to because you are having a hard time. Because you are crying. I dont want to talk to you when you're like that." Fuck Him. So I call him up and we talk - calmly - for about a half hour. I tell him everything about how I'm feeling and what I think is going on with our relationship. We get into a fight. I really want to break up with him.
It is so unbelievably hard though. I know I'm not happy. I haven't been in a really really long time, and I have no faith in him. I know damn well he is not going to change. But I love him. I fucking love him. I dont see why though. It hard to explain.
He told me he still throws parties and he has still been smoking. He hasn't even tried. He said that he still takes a hit every once in a while. "Like every 4 hours. Just to take away the stress and calm me down". Really? He says he's not addicted but he cant go 4 hours without it? I mean come on. That's pathetic.
Then AFTER everything he texts me the same thing he always does after a fight "I dont know what to do. I want to break up with you but I dont. What do i do?" Sorry hun but I'm not gonna tell you what to do. You can take your sweet time thinking all you want. Just know that the longer you think the more detatched I am getting myself from you. By the time you are done thinking, I'm gonna be done with you. You lie. You use. I cant trust you. You make me feel like shit. You're never here for me. You're a complete ass. I hate you. I'm done with you.
When we were on the phone he said "You cant leave me. You need me. Listen to yourself." I do not need him. I am strong. I can live without him if i really wanted. The only thing keeping me from leaving him is the fact that I care about him. I dont want to see his life go to hell in front of me. I know I am really the only positive influence he has right now. I want to help him. It's his choice as to whether or not he will let me. Soon I am going to stop trying to help him. It is hurting me more than it is hurting him. I have no idea why it has taken so long for me to realize this, but I am NOT happy. I haven't been for a really really long time now. I am tired of pretending that everything is okay. I want to be done with you. I want to be done so so bad. But it is so hard. I have been with him for a year.
Someone who wasn't my mom or dad told me that they loved me. They had the choice. And they told me that they loved me. Even if it wasnt true anymore it was still nice to hear. Any human on the face of this earth wants to be loved by someone other than theyre family; by someone other than the people who HAVE to. It felt so nice.
And it hurts even worse to finally realize that it doesn't matter if it isn't true.
I realize that the only thing I really write about on here is Justin.
Oh well.
Last Thursday I went out to eat with my sister. We had been talking about Justin for a while, and how horrible he was making me feel. I had decided that I was going to break up with him. At the time though, I didn't realize that I was only doing it to scare him; so he would realize that he had screwed up. That sounds horrible but it's true. So that night my sister drove me out to his house after I had picked up a few of his shirts and a couple of his sweat shirts I had at my house because I love the way they smell like him. We got to his house and he opened up the door. I walked inside but I couldn't talk. I just passed him all of his stuff and started crying. He immediately brought his arms out to hug me and tried to calm me down. I told him I couldn't be with someone who was doing drugs; that I loved him very very much, and that was what was making everything so hard. I told him that if he agreed to stop using, I would take him back in a heartbeat. The next day at school was absolutely horrible. All day Thursday I was crying because I knew what was coming. I thought I could handle things once I knew they were over, but I couldn't. Friday was worse and I had that horrible feeling in my throat and nose that you get when your on the verge of tears all day. I didn't see him though. Saturday and Sunday he was at a festival... getting high. I couldn't deal with everything that weekend, so I wrote everything down, in form of a letter to Justin. I didn't even consider giving it to him until I was finished. Sunday night we were texting, and he told me that he wanted to read it. So Monday morning he came down to my homeroom and I have it to him. Also that day, I had to sit next to him for the whole 80 minute class we have together. He told me he read the note, and he didn't know.
I told him that if it was taking so long for him to choose between weed and his girlfriend, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him.
Tuesday, everything was going okay. Yea, I still felt like crap, but I knew that I didn't HAVE to deal with him today if I just stayed away from him at lunch, and took a different route to my classes. So what were the chances that he was waiting at my locker the same exact time I asked to go to my locker during study hall? He gave me a huge hug, kissed my forehead and told me that he loved me. I asked him if he was going to stop and he said "slowly, yes. i promise."
slowly?
Then I find out today that that night, he went out and got high with his friends. I asked him why and he said he didnt know.
Our conversation from there: me: "can you start taking me seriously then? why did you get back with me if you didn't really plan on quitting" him: "i dont know" me: "i know your mad at me for giving you a month but i dont want you to keep saying that you are going to stop when you dont." him: "him" me: "i wish i could make it an easier decision for you." him: "stop" me: "i'm just saying. it hurts to know i dont dont mean more to you" him: "...stop" me: "i cant. im obviously gonna feel like shit if you would rather not be with me." him: "FUCKING STOP! thats enough"
It kinda went downhill from there. Eventually we ended up making up. I just wish we could sit down and talk to each other without fighting cause we obviously need to work some things out.
I hate being that girl who wont leave a guy that's not treating her right, but this is just hard. I've been with him since the beginning of my freshman year. His family sucks. His dad's an alcoholic and his mom will leave him alone for days at a time. His house is being foreclosed, but you would never guess any of this is going on in his life by just seeing him at school. He's funny and nice to absolutely everyone. If I leave him, I don't want to see him go downhill. I care so much about him. Yea, I know things suck between us and that I kindof do deserve better, but want things to go back to the way they were before.
I'm giving him a month. If he doesn't stop and straighten out by then, I'm going to leave him. I'm not throwing myself into this relationship again. I'm waiting and seeing what happens.
every day for the past week i have come home and cried. i have been so unbelievable stressed it has taken a huge tole on me. justin isn't helping at all. within the past few weeks i have realized that he has been doing drugs. he has been incredibly distant from me and he will not just sit down and talk things out. he would rather avoid everything, and i cannot do that. i have so much to say to him but i don't want it to turn into a fight. i want to tell him that i am not happy. that he seems to be ignoring me and not caring about me. i get that we have been fighting a lot, but im still holding on. its a horrible feeling when your giving your all to try and fix something that you really care about, but the other person could care less. i love him so so so much, and i don't know how to get that into his head. i know i can get annoying but most of the time it's only because i need attention from him. that sounds horrible but i need him to acknowledge me. i put so much out there for him and i get barely anything in return and it hurts so bad. but for some strange reason i still love him with everything i have and i still care way too much about him. sometimes i get so pissed at myself because of that. i just want him to give something back. i want HIM to kiss ME for once. i want him to come up behind me and hug me. i want him to tell me he loves me out of no where. its hard to know that he used to do all of this every day, but now it's unheard of. i miss him so much and i think that's why im so sad; because i know he used to love me, and that it is my fault he doesn't anymore. i've never felt so horrible about myself. im not mad at him im mad at me. and i know any second he could leave me. i guess just him staying with me says something, like he wants to fix it, but he sure as hell isnt showing it. im happy he is still with me extremely happy and grateful, but i need more from him. i feel horrible demanding that but its true. i cant keep throwing myself at this guy who ignores it all. but i love him. i cant leave someone who i've been with for so long, and its only natural i want to fix it. im willing to do anything to fix this, but he needs to be willing to do a little too.
i hate sitting in health and hearing about healthy relationships because i feel like im about to cry.
Alexa
